Today was a big day for me. I didn’t accomplish much at all (hell, the most I did was submit an assignment and watch The Purge,) but I did discover something important that answers a lot of questions I’ve been asking myself lately: I’m sufferring from depression. I talk to nobody about my true feelings, I’m very hesitant towards making new friends, I am actually terrified of trusting anyone, and I constantly question why I should continue living… And the only reason why I don’t leap off of the parking garage is because if I do, my family is going to be burdened with the debt I’ve accumulated in college… And on top of that, everyone I know will be devastated, including HOT Band. But it’s really more about the money than anything else. At least if I were to die, the people who knew me would have some more substance to their being and be less like clones! *sigh* But anyways, thoughts like these now plague my mind at all times of the day, even when I’m with my “friends,” so I’m hoping that beginning this journal will help me clear my mind and organize my thoughts. I’m also summarizing each entry through cursive ink in a memo book I keep in my desk. I’ve never felt so ashamed of my handwriting since sixth grade.
But yeah, since it’s the first entry, I’m going to make sure that from now on, each bit of emotion that I document is from the day. So I’ll excrete all of my prologued issues now so that each future installment is raw, honest, and understood.
My trust issues are going to be first, though. They probably hold the most weight on my mental health than anything else. I have a terrible time believing in anyone. I’m always so skeptical about everyone’s words. How do I know they’re not just being nice to me? I can no longer tell the difference between someone who’s actually friends with another person, and someone who’s just “being nice” to the other person and actually cannot stand them. It terrifies me to be the latter. I was the latter throughout elementary and middle school, and in high school I thought I’d finally become outgoing and friendly… But now I feel like I’ve reverted. I feel as though everyone is above me and has no real reason to befriend me. What do I bring to the table? A good laugh? Some explicit jokes? Wait, nevermind. I bring a lot more to the table than that. I’m loyal, loving, considerate of others, and I rarely put myself ahead of the group. I guess my best role would be “Organizer.” Though, with more thought than I’m willing to give right now, that’s likely to change. I digress. Aaron is probably my biggest issue when it comes to trust at the moment, though. I love him. Still do. That never changed. Sure, he doesn’t know what he wants and he needs time to figure himself out - he HAS been living under the strict vision of his family for his entire life, for goodness sake - but I still have faith that I’ll be able to be with him again, like I used to be. But I trusted that he truly liked me before. I really did. We were inseparable and I was under the impression that our togetherness was honest and strong… But it turned out to just be another sign of how fickle he truly is. So I trust nobody with my feelings anymore. Friendships are an investment of trust and respect, and as of now, I only give respect. Every time I give trust, it’s somehow discovered to be misplaced.
imagine if china, while they’re up on the moon, decides to knock down the US flag or whatever just to say ‘screw you’ and its like, what are we gonna do? spend a couple million just to fly some craft up to the moon and re-erect the flag? the whole scenario would be petty and that’s hilarious
i have lived in america my entire life and i am 100% sure we would do exactly that